epic story

to end october and fun way to start november. 6 more days til my birthday!

<-my luna marie :) Lsst night it ended up that I became care taker for the night before I left the party, but I'm not complaining beceause I'd definitely choose to sit with my friends holding their hair back as they puke their brains out, rather than go home anyday. Despite all the fun, throughout the night I couldn't help but feel somewhat alone still. And I realized I talk too much sometimes haha. I'm waiting wishing and wondering for things to be okay. It takes a lot to make a person realize how much the other makes them happy. How do you know? Usually when you're with someone you tend to do better in life whether it be through school, work, even at home. Yet when you feel like you've lost that sense of wanting to better in your life thats when you know they make your life that much better because you want to be a more better person. People may think that usually your first love is the one person in your life who sets the standards for the chance of ever loving again. The way I see it is, first loves were only the beginning in the search of someone much better. I look back and think of how stupid and naive I was to believe that this is it not thinking that there are so many people in the world that you're going to meet who can impact your life so much more in the way you would want to be treated. I'm sorry to say and surely let me know if you think indifferently...but for my first love...I don't ever think I was ever really in love with him, but only in love with the thought of being in love. I think because over the period of the relationship we learned to just be with each other rather than wanting to be with each other, things began to become more uniform. When you give your everything and receive nothing in return for so long, all that made me realize it wasn't the person I was with who made the love present, it seemed to be me all along. I think I'm just going crazy :\
From that I may have gotten hurt, in which I thought again, this is it, never again will things ever be the same for me. But the world is filled with different people and nothing is ever going to be the same. You've got to learn that there may be a chance that life might screw you over once again but sometimes its worth the risk, the rejection, and mostly the experience, so that one day it may allow you to give yourself completely.

I'm not a perfect person, I'll make mistakes from time to time, but I will reassure you communication between one another. I would rather tell you what you need to hear than what I think you want to hear. I will never intentionally hurt you. I will give you my heart when you're willing to take it with care. I will give you whatever you need even if it means I have to hurt.

I did it once, and I can do this again. but when the second time comes around its not going to be easy because I'm stubborn and scared shitless of a lot of things that may happen along the way. If I tried again and began to give my all, knowing there's a possibility of everything happening again, with the feeling of receiving the love in return or at least partially there, what am I supposed to think? That's my risk. This time I'm willing to..its much more worth it to me.

work 12-4(7)
free for the rest of the day.