halloween.

...enhances how scary life could be.
costume or no costume, you can never hide true feelings.
I've been through a lot. Everyone has been through a lot. But you can never say you're going through something alone. to the point that you tend to push everyone aside because you feel as if everything is falling apart. because there are a few out there who are going through or have gone through something similar as you.
Song that may come to mind at the moment would probably be.. Selfish by NSYNC. As much as it hurts, I am up for it because I know in the end it'll be well worth the wait.

I've come to the realization that...People can't be happy with someone else if they're not happy with themselves first. Now that is when the understanding point of view comes in. For a relationship to work you have two people. Both people grow together in order to ensure the well-being of one another. That is when you begin to learn sometimes you have to sacrifice a lot in order to make something work. That is when you know its more than just something ordinary.

I'm in a poopy mood. Hope my day doesn't completely disappoints me.

Work 3pm-8pm
B-day Party (maybe)
Home. Sleep.

Happy Halloween. Be safe tonight.

i wish...

things could be easier, for the both of us.

I haven't felt more alone than I did tonight.
Even though I was surrounded by people I care about.
My mind wouldn't let me believe, that things are going to be ok.
I waited all day...nothing.

I'm going to sleep, in hopes tomorrow will be a better day.

heartbreak...

I went through it once this year...I don't know if I can do it again :(

Wondering why?
8 months ago things ended with my ex boyfriend of 2 years. I think I can honestly say, those were the most horrible moments of my life. I couldn't eat, sleep, let alone breathe. I think what kept me going was the support of my family, my friends, and my pledging process for Alpha Phi Omega. It had seemed like I wouldn't be able to live my life again or even be able to love again. In the beginning of January I had met someone who became someone I confided in so much to the point that over time after the breakup I was able to possibly see myself with but hadn't been able to pursue anything because of a few issues. 6 months of friendship. 3 months after the drama. I found myself to be completely happy with this person. He knew how to make a girl weak in the knees by just being himself. Although it had only been 3 months after my breakup a big part inside of me knew I wanted to be with him despite what anyone said. Some may have thought I moved on so quickly but because someone ruined things for me once I wasn't going to let that get in the way of trying again. June comes around and my wishes came true. We became a couple.

4 months roll by til today. and I can say that I've honestly been happy these past 4 months. Putting my heart into every moment within this relationship. Trying to make the most of what we have and what may come along the way until recently. Things have been...different. and today was the day that took my breath away. Him and I had the "talk" about how we both felt and to come out of that conversation was devastating. I haven't cried this hard since march and to have to hear that something is going wrong in something that I felt was so right hurt me like no other.

So what now? well things are left up in the air of whether or not we are together. Time has been given in order to work all this out. As for me I'm living in the fear of history repeating itself but I'm not sure if things will turn out as it once did. With this one I hope to God it doesn't fail. I don't want him to give up so easily, I want him to know that he makes me happy. and that its ok to be afraid of being in love again. The only thing I can do now is wait, and give him his time. I'm scared.

fallling down the drain

...quicker than I expected. Everything is just going not the way I thought it would. am I being paranoid? am I getting what I wanted in the beginning? I regret a lot of my thoughts and actions. Because apparently its coming true. I'm sad about a few things.

First loves scar you for life. Although they teach you to love, they teach you to hurt but from all that you gain strength in finding who you are, who you can be, and a step closer to finding the perfect companion. But how come from getting hurt so badly you lose the will to trust again let alone love someone completely again.

You end up having this high expectation and your suddenly weighed down by your dragging heart. It doesn't make any sense to me. Nothing every does.


today:
sociology midterm.
school.
study.
AphiO meeting.
home.

stole an apple

luna marie stole an apple, started to nibble on it, and then threw it around as if it was a tennis ball.

study study study time.

dinner with sexy fatass rockstars :)

cha-ching

last night was a complete success.
the food was great. the music was awesome. the guests were happy.
I was so glad to see that everyone was enjoying themselves.
I can't even begin to explain how delicious dinner was.

This is a photo of my Sexy Fatass Rockstar Family... Grand Big, Biggie, Me, and my Lil. (left to right)
by the way... in response to my blog about choosing an outfit..that is how it turned out. better than I actually expected.

Today was a very relaxing day. I got to see my good friend Missy today because she came home from San Francisco. It was nice being with my friends for a bit. food nonetheless was the bonus on our reunion.

APO SECTION 1 FF 102508

I woke up today at about 4:45am. Got my stuff together and arrived at school at 7am.
Everyone set up the area and Registration began at about 8am-ish. Everything happened so quickly: set-up. registration. 1st workshops. 2nd workshops. lunch. IC buddies.

I came home at 3pm and barely took a 20min nap :\ now I've got to get ready for banquet set up at 5pm. actual banquet 6pm-12am. clean-up. home sweet home. I am ready to eat the really good food and dance!

I'll post up pictures from the night tomorrow.
as for now...I'm going to enjoy the night.

Freeze-Chris Brown

I love that song :)

Today I...
went to school.
worked on banquet programs.
had lunch with some Alpha Phi Omega bros.
mall.
work 4pm-9pm.
dessert with boyfriend.
home.

Time to sleep early, I have to wake up early again :\
Fall Fellowship tomorrow.

good deal :)

For my banquet this coming Saturday I bought two dresses in which I still had trouble on debating which on to wear. But I've come to the decision to wear the dress on the right with some gold heels.

Why? Well you see, I bought this dress for about $30 which I thought was pricey enough for this vintage-looking piece. So the other day my mom was like "Hey your dress is in this Delia's magazine" I took a look at it and she was correct it was the exact same dress but for $55. Then as I was searching through Macys Online store, I saw the same exact dress AGAIN but this time it was for $64. From all that, I came to the conclusion that this is the right dress to wear. As for the other one i purchased (which is super cute as well but requires extra accessories that costs more money), I believe I should return that sucker and buy some matching shoes :)

Should I wear patented: pointy-tip black heels, peep toe, strappy black
Or one of the Following...


bronze pumps





or strappy gold sandals
(maybe some with bling on the straps)

successful in more ways than one

So last night I succeeded in pulling an infamous all-nighter and I finished my essay. I felt quite accomplished but then got tired halfway through my day. class was very interactive. went to lunch with my friends. went home. napped for about 2hrs? and then went with my sister to Albertsons and we both bought pumpkins to carve. I ended up carving a wolf and my sister did a tiger. (I will post pictures soon) It brought memories back from the good ole days when my sisters and I used to enjoy removing the inner part of the pumpkin. Getting my hands all covered in pumpkin guts made me laugh a lot :)

Tomorrow my teacher had canceled my 3:30 class so that meant more time to prepare items for Fall Fellowship and Banquet this Saturday. I am hoping it turns out better than expected. My big and Leo worked super hard on putting the event together so I'm hoping for the best. I feel like dancing!

Sometimes I still get bothered with things here and there. I've grown to let go over these past few months, yet I find myself still in the process of getting out. But for some reason it feels as if I've been trapped. That or my mind is just keeping myself trapped when I could simply set myself free.

So much on my mind, and as much as I'd like to share how I feel, I don't think it can be possible in my situation. and for me sometimes its best to keep things unsaid. tomorrow is another busy day.
au revoir.

damn...

pulling an all-nighter tonight.
wish me luck.

infuriated

beyond belief.

I can't believe my own mother would ever say something like that to me. I'm unbelievably upset right now... and its freaking so early in the morning. I hate crying. I hate not having someone to talk to. I just hate everything right now.

Everything will be better in the morning.

...sucks how one moment can change a lot.

Geeze Louise.

relaxing day.
stressful night

AIDs Walk, Los Angeles

...was a wonderful experience because of all the support that was given throughout the day. a huge amount of people donated and joined the walk in the fight against AIDs. We all walked about 6 miles :) so that was what consisted most of my day.

I spent a lot of time bonding with my lil and getting to know all the little things about him. We have much more in common than I thought. He's smart and he's funny.

I'm too tired to even blog. This weekend was unbelievably fast. I can't believe tomorrow is already back to school with so much shit due. fudge.

Picnic at the park

Today I woke up super early just to prepare everything for my lil. and this is how it went.
woke up 7am.
cleaned the bathroom.
got ready.
left and went to torrance bakery to buy brownie cookies.
Cerritos mall, met up with clarice. (bought phone covers haha)
bought CPK and Red Robin for my lil lol.
drove to the park.
had a picnic with all Bigs and Lils.
Played games.
Went to work at 4.
Ended at 9pm.
Guppies with Allan. (Thank you Allan-Gene for the DVD I've been searching forever for)
home.

and now bubble town competition with allan. :)
tomorrow AIDs Walk Los Angeles
<--those are the cookies I got from the bakery.
they were delicious.


My lil is going to be fat by the time he's done

whoop-de-doo

busy weekend begins!

work tonight was super tiring, I folded a lot of shirts :P
tomorrow AphiO event in the afternoon. and then off to work again at night. whoop-de-doo!
hopefully at work I'm doing something like cashier. better yet, I really really hope they cut my shift today. so that I can stay with AphiO longer.

back to business.

what's cookin' good lookin'

"you used to make me smile, you used to make me laugh, but now your attitude makes me want to yak."

I randomly found that while reading a magazine article, and I found it quite hilarious :)

very relaxing day. It mainly consisted of breakfast, Brea mall, Jamba juice, went home early, napped, Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy, groomed Luna Marie.

now I'm in the mood to clean my room :P weird?

The next 3 days are going to be hectic but fun:
Friday: school 10-10:50. work 5pm-10pm
Saturday: AphiO Event 12pm. Work 4pm-9pm.
Sunday: AIDs Walk.

I want to hangout with my friends this weekend.

sexy :) fatass (_|_) r<3ckstar

Last night I received the newest addition to my family within my fraternity. Finally after constant streak of girls we got a boy! He's my Lil, and from the looks of it we make a pretty damn good Bight Lil. I'm super happy about this one. He has optimism and determination written all over him. I'm happy to say our line is growing. I want to be a good big and to be able to help guide my lil during his pledging process. Food, talks, hangouts, whatever it may be, I will be there for him!
Welcome to the family!!

_I just took a work load off my shoulders from school. and boy am I feeling a bit more relieved.
_I miss hanging out with my friends and how we used to waste time outside the house and ask each other "what are we going to do now?" or "what do you want to do?"

Whenever there is a good, there's always a bad. And I know in the time of high spirits especially from the event last night something just had to go wrong. A little birdie calls me and brings me news that I shouldn't be shocked about because I knew it was coming but on the other hand. It just hit me, and it hit me pretty hard.

Scarves, Hats, Gloves, and Warm Drinks

As the Fall season is slowly making its way in I've found comfort in a hot cup of tea and layers of clothing. The weather seriously gets the best of me. Fall means, new clothing styles, 3 of the Best holidays of the year, my birthday, snow, and the year coming to an end. As for the cons it consists of projects due, midterms, research papers, and finals, which all fall under the category of school blah.

I'm genuinely a happy person. I have the necessities in life that can make me happy for years to come. From family to friends, a good education, social life, etc. However I feel like I'm missing something sometimes. I look back in the past and I noticed I was a very involved person: Filipino Dance Group, Tennis, Piano, Choir, Etc. I used to always look forward to performing or doing something out of just school and home. Work however has been wonderful and understanding. But besides all that I feel like I have nothing that I'm passionate for to lean towards. Alpha Phi Omega however brought attention to me through the bonds and friendships I've gained. The community service available gives me only so much as to being able to make that certain change in someone's life. I just need to find something I can give most of my attention to.
...I sat down in front of the piano the other day, and just played. It felt good to put my feelings through music.

I'm mad, sad, frustrated. why? because I'm still hurting.

anticipation.

and frustration.

Tomorrow is the day. as for tonight...
-Figure out plans for tomorrow.
-Work on essay.
-Study.
-Read Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.
-Work on surprise.

I'm too antsy to keep still. I want to know now..but I've got to be patient til tomorrow.
Wish me luck :)

(If you don't know what I'm talking about, I will surely explain it in my next blog)

no sleep tonight...

LB Marathon

3:50 AM was the time a good amount of people started arriving at school. Soon enough about 30+ actives and pledges were up so early in the morning. We all signed in, assigned people to each car and off we went. My car consisted of Bryant, Justin, and John. On our way to LB Marathon all the streets had been blocked off and soon enough we ended up in the DOCKS and boy was it creepy. we seriously ended up where those huge cargo crates are shipped and so we had to go back ALL the way from where we came from and finally got to the place.
I forgot to mention how FREEZING it was at 4am in the morning til about 9am. I was so cold but at the same time I loved it. So my groups' task consisted of cheering on the Bikers, and the marathon runners. My throat hurts from screaming for a good 30 minutes straight. After that we headed over to In-N-Out to do what we do best..EAT :)
I then dropped the boys back at school and I headed for home. Upon my arrival, I did the usual check my email etc. and then knocked out SIIIICK :P til 7:30 PM.

now off to begin homework. bleh.

LA Food Bank

Today I woke up at 7am to get ready. My big and I left for LA around 8ish. and met up with Aphio Bros and Pledges at the LA Food Bank. We went there to help volunteer by picking out which foods were still good and which ones were ready to be dumped. The service had its ups and downs. Overall I enjoyed it.
When I got home I knocked out for a good 3hours. Around 6:30 I met up with Joey, Allan, Heather, Roland, and David Min at Pho 2000. Food is always delicious. We headed over to Allan's house and cooked chocolate cupcakes and added whip cream on top. Cooking makes me happy :)

The weather today was GORGEOUS!! The air was crisp and felt like needles under my skin haha.
Pulling an all nighter tonight, because I've gotta be at school at 4am for Service.

high of 70 low of 53

It surely feels like the fall weather is kicking into effect. I can feel it in the air :) and boy does that make me happy. a low of 53 degrees tonight?? can you believe it? I get to wear a jacket and drink hot tea or something haha. I can't wait for the rainy days and layering so that you're all warm and bundled up. better yet, I can't wait for...SNOWBOARDING SEASON!

This year my friends and I plan to go to some resort area, and rent a cabin for 3 days and 2 nights. That would make my year! I love the rush snowboarding gives you as you are riding down the mountain, and even if you do end up eating it and landing on your face, it's well worth the experience and thrill.
I'm in the mood to go to Six Flags sometime soon. or some sort of theme park :)

Things to do today:
continue reading Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.
work on essay.
<--eat korean bbq (?)
relax.
buy supplies for banquet.
deposit check.
cook beef steak for tomorrow.
workout (?)

a few thoughts.
My shins are sore from running the other day. I get upset quickly when someone does something and it's probably done unintentionally but still bugs me, when I shouldn't care. I've made a lot of mistakes but I've learned from them too. How come friendships tend to become competitive from what I've observed. I keep trying to find answers to why things happen the way they do/did. Someone please help me make sense of these things. Save me from my misery.

"there's nothing..

in this world there's not another boy that can make me feel so sweet"
-There's Nothing-Sean Kingston ft. Paula Deanda
random but it's the song playing on my itunes at the moment.

<-aren't those paper flowers cute :P I'm inspired to make them soon enough. Maybe during a lecture when I'm in the mood to be a little crafty.

Today was somewhat very productive for me. I went to my 8am class then after class i went back to the union to say hi to aphio people. Joey and I left for the mall around 11. So I went into work to get my schedule for next week and my manager came to me and said "Hiii, do you get direct deposit?" and my answer was no, because I trust the whole, me picking it up personally better. then he said "Do you want your check? just don't tell anyone I gave it to you early, and don't deposit it til tomorrow :)" haha I love the people at my work they're soo chill. Once I left the store, I opened up my check only to be happy to find out I made much more than I had expected yay for me. Shopping for Joey was the goal for the day but I was delighted to have found two dress options for my fraternity's banquet on the 25th. the dresses are too cute and I couldn't pass the chance to purchase the last sizes. so I took them both, and when I get opinions about one or the other, then that is when I may return the one with the less votes :P. After the mall boyfriend and I went over to Lollicup to enjoy a Green Apple Slush w/mini boba, Taro Milk Tea, squid balls, and fried calamari, it was all delicious. Back to school I went where I took a nap in my car for an hour then at 3ish I headed over to my english class. Now I am home sweet home.

Tonight I'm going on a date. A date with myself, the couch, and new episodes of Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy. What an exciting night. As for now... "AU REVOIR!"

"Goodmorning my little star shine"

that was my fist text from clarice for the day :) thanks pudding pie!

so expectations for the week have not been met. I am still feeling quite sluggish from the weekend and its only wednesday. the middle of the effing week.

So I was browsing through my works' website and I came across a fedora that I am contemplating on purchasing. I found one at Urban outfitters the other day that I am going to buy hopefully today because it was on sale for only 9.99 such a deal! To the right of this entry I've found a compilation of a few stars rocking this new trend. I wanna get in on the fun. upon my decision of whether I buy that hate I will be updating you possibly with pictures of my new fashion delight.

Today I...
went to class.
had lunch.
hung out with aphio.
napped.
watched A Knight's Tale
run with luna and my sister with her dog.
worked out.

To close this off, with my thought for the night...I think Heath Ledger is unbelievably DREAMY. :( unfortunately he passed away a few months ago. So young and so talented. RIP.

womp womp

...What you say when something goes wrong. Like the sound cartoons make when something falls. (defined by UrbanDictonary.com)

SHADES. I recently bought a pair of these due to the loss of my favorite sunglasses. I would go in search for the others but its almost impossible to find them. On the other hand these will do. Although they make my eyebrows look straight when I wear them :P possible? very. So far I am happy with them. mine are black with red (instead of the white things on the top) and the shade of the lens are more of a brownish orange tint.

Today is going to be a long Tuesday once again.
School. Sociology 8-9:15__5hr break__ English 3:30-4:45
Fall fellowship Meeting @ 5pm
General Alpha Phi Omega Meeting @ 7pm.

random ramblings:
gahhh Laker game tonight :( and I couldn't even watch it! I am for sure going to work double during winter vacation because I definitely need the money for the necessities to come. I am very excited for the upcoming week :) Today I went to Del Amo Mall with boyfriend in search for some clothes for him. Unfortunately the trip to the boonies wasn't quite as we expected it. APHIO meeting tonight was super intense, but I'm in it for the long run.

ps. Lately i've been very irritable. To add to that note I wanted to make sure I say this...I hate how you publicize everything as if you're trying to rub it in my face. fuck you!
sorry for the language but I want to get my point across clearly...tomorrow is another day, I already have a blog in mind :P

everyone has their bad days.

mine just had to be today.

I wake up to find that my laptop charger isn't as in top shape as it was when I bought it. For some odd reason it needs some fidgeting around with before you can get it to work properly. On top of that this morning I found a slight crack on my $53 case that I bought gahh. and on Sunday I've seemed to misplace or even lost $40 that my mom gave me :( sooo sad. continuing on with today, I was using my friends' super glue earlier and then it started to leak and it leaked onto my Tru Religions!! I was devastated because now I don't know how to get it off. Surely enough I am going to try acetone, but I am afraid it's going to damage my favorite black pair of jeans :( and so today for my Psychology class Clarice and I thought that our Behavioral Explanation was due today but unfortunately after working on it, it so happens to be due one Wednesday instead! Great. Everything seemed to be going down the drain today, the only thing that made me happy was the 5hr nap that I took :p.

Irritation. Sometimes things get carried away, and emotions are messed around with. Do you ever know when to stop? Im not ready to say some things, and I don't want to be forced or rushed. Makes me sad sometimes too. I feel like I overreact to things from time to time, but if you were in my position, it becomes quite obnoxious and unecessary. A lot went through my mind today somethings shouldn't even have been in my thoughts, yet I keep finding myself in that same position. I hate replaying the past in my head. I hate having that fear in the pit of my stomach, that one day everything is going to crash again. I'm worried. I'm afraid. I'm upset.

Within your lifetime you may experience a series of unfortunate events that you just have to learn to deal with...as for me, my time is now.

11:11

if only wishes came true.

So I'm kind of having a bad day. thank goodness the day is almost over. I am unbelievably exhausted from an 8hr shift at work. And this time it wasn't just standing around doing nothing. There was recovering, cashier, re-stocking, etc. My goodness. on top of that my dog ran away from me for a good 30min before I left for work and she just kept running. thankfully she gave in and came back to me just in time. But that already frustrated me. I believe I had also lost $40 from stupidly putting it in my pocket. It must have fallen out. I'm so mad at myself right now. Enough blogging for now. Sorry I am irritable at the moment.

...leave a message after the beep.

volte-face

\vawlt-FAHS; vawl-tuh-\, noun: An about-face; a reversal, as in policy or opinion. random :P haha. So last night Knott's/Universals didn't happen instead we attended Lambda Mu's AphiO event at CSULA. The experience was much different than ours. The ceremony is exactly the same but it was just the way things were carried out. After that Rho Gamma headed back to Long Beach and we all ate at Cha for tea. and then guess what...IT STARTED TO SPRINKLE OUTSIDE :D rain surely gets the best of me. I noticed I think a lot. Which is definitely bad for me because I think when a person thinks too hard it can get to the point when it hurts your head and eventually your heart.

happy birthday christine!

Christine ___ Barnum :) happy birthday girlie! i <3 you!! A few days ago I was sitting outside of my classroom minding my own business when all of a sudden a group of people sat down a few feet away from me. They were discussing about their French class and it inspired me to want to do something different next semester. I wanted to take french again because I took it back in high school but then my sister mentioned that I should try something new. So to step out of my boundaries, for next semester I will be looking into taking maybe a photography, art. dance, etc. class. I want to find something different to do, something I could become passionate about. I want that feeling of learning something new about myself. As for this semester i find that my Women Studies class is quite intriguing only because I learn more and more about the female body and attitude that I haven't known before. Tonight a bunch of us were planning to go to Knotts Scary Farm or Universal Studios. I wonder which one it'll be. Lately I haven't been feeling myself. I think I'm getting bored or I'm boring myself. I miss summertime when everything felt so carefree. I want to work more, but AphiO has taken up a lot of my availability this month, lessening my chances to work more. I need the money, then again I need to spend less. Budgeting time :). I ramble on a lot but at least they make some sense. -xoxo kaylakayyy

ps. I'm sitting in my bf's chemistry class. I like nomenclature.

the start...

..of a long year. It has already been a little more than a month since school started and I've already been stressed enough as it is. So many things have happened leaving me with the thought that things will never be the same after shit happens. But it is the calm after the storm that is what I look forward to most. I've met and kept the positive gains that I would want to remain in my life. As for the negatives, its just that extra baggage I have to drag along the way. I'm sorry if nothing seems to make sense, but that's the beauty of it all. Life doesn't have to make sense, but what is important is the sense that we make out of life. I should be happy, I think I'm happy. I just want to reach the point where i know that im happy. School, Alpha Phi Omega, friends, and family seems to have gotten the best of me these days, along with the worst. I'm a wreck, crazy fool, mad woman, whatever it may be :P. but stay tuned.